Self-responsibility

«Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.» (Viktor Frankl)

Our stimuli are like waves in the ocean - they come unstoppably, sometimes gently, sometimes stormily. #SelfResponsibility means not simply suffering these waves or fighting against them. Rather, it means reading them, feeling them and surfing them. If you know your impulses, you can decide when it's time to go with them, when to wait and when it's better to avoid them. Self-responsibility is the art of consciously perceiving and understanding your own impulses and dealing with them appropriately. This means neither acting out impulses reflexively nor suppressing them.

Corona has led to a wave of technological and social development. Changes have rarely happened so quickly in human history. And, according to various futurologists, this was just the beginning. Even today, many people feel alienated by economic pressure, AI disruption and political polarization. This is why it is so important to learn to understand our own reactions to unavoidable stimuli.

The dynamics between stimulus and response

We often tend to quickly switch off the stimulus on the outside instead of starting with our reaction on the inside; for example, when I'm standing on the edge of the playground as a father. I can shout angrily at the strange child who pushes my child off the swing and the passive “laissez-faire” parents at the same time. The trigger point had me and I may have said things that I later regret.

In life, we are often faced with the decision: should I act on the outside or regulate my inner reaction? An example: After a presentation, the boss gives unjustifiably critical feedback. There are now two possible reactions:

Those who act quickly should sometimes pause. If someone tends to react immediately with offense, a better strategy might be to take a deep breath, reflect on the feedback and respond calmly later.

Those who withdraw should sometimes become active. If someone tends to accept criticism in silence, it would be more helpful to make it clear directly and objectively that there has been a misunderstanding.

There is no universal right or wrong - depending on the situation, one or the other strategy may be better. It is important to recognize your own tendencies and create space to make conscious decisions in the dynamic.

Who "makes" my feelings?

"Because you..., I am..." is a phrase often said in relationships, families and organizations. Many people act as if there is a crystal-clear connection. They go through the world assuming that others make them feel bad. This is not surprising. After all, many people learned this supposed connection at an early age, for example through parental messages: "Because you don't clean your room, you make daddy sad."

In fact, no one can make the other person feel. Once I have developed a certain amount of self-responsibility, I realize that I “make” these feelings myself. It is my own doing to feel the way I feel. This personal effort is reflected in automatic, unconscious, quick patterns.

These patterns can be understood as a “compulsion to react without room for maneuver”. They reduce the space between stimulus and reaction mentioned by Viktor Frankl in the opening quote. This is why it is so important to work on these patterns. And this is both a curse and a blessing: only I am responsible for this and only I can reduce the compulsion to react. It also becomes clear that the less self-responsibility I cultivate on the inside, the more conflicts I have on the outside.

Build self-responsibility, break patterns

In coaching, it is helpful to deal with two parts in order to build self-responsibility. Effective approaches such as the #metatheoryofchange and #hypnosystemic coaching focus on working with, among other things:

1. The “victim ego” part

2. The “perpetrator ego” part

It is important to consider both parts in the coaching work. The previous example illustrates this. I am affected by my boss's feedback and have a corresponding “perpetrator voice” inside me. This perpetrator aggressively belittles me, like this: “How can you be so stupid as to give such a flat presentation?” I should get in touch with this voice if I want to break my pattern and strengthen my self-responsibility. This requires steadfast support and a broad repertoire of methods, such as working with representations, frames of reference and self-awareness.

In addition to dealing with people and situations, personal responsibility is also key when making important life decisions. For example, is it a question of “stay or go”, e.g. resigning or becoming self-employed: yes or no? In many coaching and consulting approaches, a pro/con list of the respective advantages is drawn up. This can be a useful starting point, but ultimately remains superficial.

When it comes to important decisions, it is essential to deal with underlying fears: for example, it can be a matter of exploring the fear of risk and the fear of freezing together and in an emotionally relevant way. This can lead to a sustainable, conscious decision.

The path to inner freedom

We need something like “impulse intelligence” in order to learn to ride the waves of impulses smoothly. In order to develop this impulse intelligence, a sociable and trusting dialog with a coach is essential. In the shared dialog space, it is important to uncover what was previously not allowed to be. When we go into this depth together, with a clear attitude, it becomes clear that the path to inner freedom goes through the unpleasant feelings.